Transitioning from dreams to reality

That Place

In Uncategorized on April 4, 2010 at 2:27 pm

So have you ever walked to that place? You know, where it seems like you are about to cross the line into unspokenness, but haven’t quite committed? I think I just reached it and can only smile. So many times before I have paused momentarily before jumping into the realm of behaviours……not just any behaviours….issue behaviours. This time is different though because I know that giving in “just this once” is never how it seems. “Just this once” turns into “just today” which turns into hopeless devotion to a sin that only brings destruction. Cutting, purging, restricting, bingeing ~ just thinking of these things makes me shiver.

It seems ironic that I have resisted and stood firm against old temptations for so long and now they are hitting harder than ever. Maybe it’s because I allowed myself to take that step. You know, the one that is harmless at the time because it is so miniscule, but 15 miniscule steps later end up taking you just a little further than anticipated. I did take that step, I maybe even took 3, but I haven’t passed the thresh hold yet.

I am at that place. You know, the one where it seems like you are about to cross the line into unspokenness, but haven’t quite committed.

I am at that place. In the moment I have to separate myself because the emotions are just too strong; they claw into my soul and try to drag me into the lie of quick release. As I take a step back and realize what is happening I reach my hands up as far as possible. My feet may be in the place, but the rest of my body refuses to accept the path of fact. Grabbing onto the only One I know, I dig my fingernails into the hem of His garments. I can’t let go. The temptations are too strong, but I can’t give in, I can’t! I don’t know if the weight of expectation or fear of failure is heavier, but something is pulling me down. I claw at the fabric, but can’t find a firm grasp! As my fingers give way to air, I expect to fall completely to that place. I guess it is like all those other times. I strive and fall, reach and lose, try and fail.

I hold my breath and expect the worst, but I’m not falling! Instead of sinking into a stance of defeat, I feel myself being lifted higher. Into His arms; the only place of true security that I know. Until I let go, He could not pull me higher. Holding onto His garments and refusing to let go while trying to control my journey meant that I was stuck, unable to move in either direction. He was drawing me nearer while I was trying to find a way to stay hanging.

Looking into His heart I am brought back to the Truth. It’s not about expectations or striving. He set me free to live in freedom!! I am not in freedom to set an example or prove a point, He set me free to be me. My Freedom can only shine through genuine transparency.

I may have been at that place, but I took a step back. Those tiny shuffles that led to the depths of dispair are as easily reversed as my willingness to see it happen. I saw the thresh hold, but I didn’t want to cross. What’s the point? I know how the story goes and I am sick of it having the same ending. The ending has been different for a while and I like the shape it is taking. Instead of a jagged iron gate, the path leads to an open area. The space is empty, not a lonely empty, but an expectant thrill. He’s letting me choose the words and paint the pictures to my story. It’s mine. Because of Him I can choose to have it go in any direction. Because of Him I know the safety of anticipation.

I am at that place. You know the one where there is complete peace and trust because Faithfulness has proven true? The place where no matter how far facts drag you, the Truth will prevail. I am at that place……do you know the One?

  1. Beautiful, honor roll/dean’s list (?) girl. Love your words and your willingness to be honest and transparent.

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