Transitioning from dreams to reality

Archive for February, 2011|Monthly archive page

Removing the blindfold

In Uncategorized on February 13, 2011 at 2:36 pm

As many of you know, I have re-located my life 15 hours north of comfortable. This move was technically for work, but I am quickly learning that my new “dream job” was bate to remove me from my over-functioning environment. When packing I was aware of the weight requirements put on luggage, and in the hopes of fitting in one more pair of jeans (which I later learned was pointless as jeans aren’t part of the dress code at work), I removed my journal and planted it on the shelf at my parents house. I have been regretting that decision ever since and have yet to find an appropriate replacement while my journal takes its own little sabbatical.

So, for the time being, this shall be my canvas. The place where I plop the colours of experience and blend the shades until they produce a masterpiece. My prayer is that I don’t waste a minute. I have recently learned how easy it is to fill the “gaps” of life with aimless fluff, producing nothing more than regrets and the learned acceptance of impartiality. I am writing this week’s Sheloves column on “gaps” and I look forward to hearing your thoughts in response.

But back to now. This very moment. Sitting cross-legged on my under-stuffed dorm room computer chair, trying to ignore my stomach’s anger from filling it with chocolate and coffee due to an aimless moment during an earlier “gap”. This week was supposed to be the time when I hit the ground running, embracing the goals set with the counsellor I hired as an aspect of “self-care”. Unfortunately, the counsellor was fired before being fully hired and I neglected to find a moment to pray or journal about tomorrow. Tomorrow has come and gone about seven times and I find myself lost, blindfolded, and stumbling through unknown foliage, grasping at the branches in the hopes that one will talk.

The great news is that I just took the blindfold off. I think sometimes we stumble around, forgetting about our two hands that are capable of untying the light shielding material. I have found myself in a pause/breath/moment where all is still and the decisions I make bare heavily on tomorrow. I feel like it will take more than one decision to embrace this season, but I will start with one because that will surely lead to the next.

Today’s decision involves this blog and my priorities. I have decided to give myself permission to be real. I’m in a weird place where the life I used to dream of has been handed to me, but I am not the person I had imagined in this life. Sure, my hair and style have changed to that of a “professional counsellor” (whatever that means), but everything else still needs to grow up. Once again, I am faced with the reminder that I will never officially arrive. I will be growing and running and learning until I take my last breath. I am ok with that. I love learning and growing, but I am currently lacking discipline and know my “learning, growing, running” season will bare more fruit when the track comes back into focus.

So here I am, pausing before turning the lens back into focus. I will rest in this pause a little longer, slightly afraid of what reality will tell.